November 2011
4 posts
November 30th is the saddest day of the year.
It’s the day the staches get slaughtered. The day Magnum P.I. gets canceled. The day the handlbar ride reaches its final destination.
No more flavor savor.
No more soup strainer.
The Lady Tickler has been asked to leave the party.
Happy Movember.
Join My Band- A Social Experiment.
I’m going to start a band.
I don’t know how to sing or dance or play music and I’m actually quite tone deaf. But I’m going to start this band, nevertheless.
You see, my band is going to be so cool, we won’t need to do any of that traditional stuff.
We’re just going to create really sweet T shirts, merchandise the shit out of ourselves, do a lot of late...
You wanna buy a Mustang?
My friend, Sean, has a Mustang.
And he wants to sell it. It’s on Craigslist, but i told him he’d need to do something more interesting.
So we shot a little promo video with his iPhone.
“Mustang” :60 Open on an empty road, somewhere in the midwest. Sean is driving his Mustang as the sun rises behind him. He is wearing a tuxedo jacket and a trucker hat. Wild horses pass...
October 2011
14 posts
In Advertising, we are...
Artists seeking corporate sponsorships.
Egos in search of strokers.
Con men looking for our next target.
Schizophrenics listening to the voices.
Humans seeking purpose.
Addicts out for the next hit.
Rifles just waiting to be fired.
Rockstars without musical talent.
Women in love with our abusive boyfriends.
Outcasts who don’t like your rules.
Kids in a candy store.
Bible Salesmen...
They were not happy with their portrait.
I just pitched the best TV spot in the world.
It had LeBron James, Micheal Jordan, and 50 high school basketball players from around the world. It was MCed by Morgan Freeman, with a little help from Oprah Winfrey. It was going to take place in Yankee Stadium filled with underprivileged children, singing in unison Kanye’s “No One Man Should Have All That Power”. It was directed by Ron Howard, produced by Spielberg, and paid...
Jennifer Lopez is a sell-out.
First, I’m supposed to believe that Jennifer Lopez drives herself around.
Then I’m supposed to believe she drives herself around in the city.
And then I’m supposed to believe she drives herself around in the city in a Fiat?
Not only is it a bad rip off of Chrysler’s “Born of Fire” Super Bowl Spot, with J.Lo. explaining how she will always be from the block,...
I have a unique relationship with Macaroni and...
When I was 8, my father posed the challenge of making Mac and Cheese without using a box.
It was the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.
At that age, I never thought you could just do things your own way, break the rules, and say fuck you to the norm. The idea of making something like that from scratch was complete anarchy.
Nevertheless, we went out and bought the cheese and the pasta, and we...
Professional Bullshitter, Esq.
Some colleagues tell me that labeling myself as a “writer” is overestimating peoples’ ability to understand what a real writer can do. These were some suggestions for titles that my friends gave. And in a way, these titles are all true. But I would hope that who ever would wants to work with me would already know that this is what I do. After all, I am a writer.
Idea-Station
...
A Facebook Experiment
I wanted some sort of motivation to help me get back into shape.
So I decided to get my friends to challenge me. So I challenged their perception of me.
Through Facebook, I said I’d do one one-armed push-up for every Like I received.
Fuck me, I’ve got a lot of work to do.
Death In Advertising
When our creative ideas are rejected by clients or creative directors, we say that the idea was ‘killed’ or that it ‘died.’ And that makes perfect sense. Our ideas are living breathing creatures. They have potential beyond our understanding, and can take a life of their own. Which is why we refer to the ideas that aren’t killed as the ones ‘still alive’,...
Having KY Jelly as a client...
I don’t currently work on this account, but a friend of mine does. And I can only imagine the meetings that take place around product research and consumer testing.
Even writing this at work has made a couple co-workers walk by and blush. So how does it feel to be constantly concepting sex lube at the office?
Masturbation and Feminine lubrication are staples to each creative brief.
Coming...
Things my producer googled during our client...
In chronological order:
1) Tom from MySpace 2) Sister Wives 3) Identity theft 4) Tattoo removal 5) Divorce Attorney 6) Trips to Aruba 7) Shovels 8) Rufi Colada 9) O.J. Simpson 10) Lie Detectors 11) Flying Monkeys.
I hate My laptop bag.
Tomorrow, instead of taking my laptop bag to work, I'm going to take a camel back, and instead of a laptop, I'm going to fill it with a rum-based elixir named after a Somali pirate. And instead of taking it to work, I'll take it to the beach. Any beach. But preferably one of those beaches from that Beach Boy song. And if I need to check my email, I'll remind myself: I don't NEED to check my email....
August 2011
3 posts
The CopyWriters' Manifesto
According to merriam-webster, a copywriter is “a writer of copy”. So I wrote them a letter.
A copywriter is not merely a writer of copy.
A copywriter rules the world. We are the thinkers, the idea-havers, the problem-solvers that keep the masses willing to listen, read, and watch.
We are not just writers of copy.
We are typographers, artists, and designers, the better half of...
What to say when someone asks you for your phone...
My pimp doesn’t let me have a phone.
I have short-term memory loss. I don’t know my phone number. Who are you?
I think I’m gay for my cat.
I’m from the Future. Giving you my number might damage the time-space continuum.
I’m morman. Phones are the devil.
I’m mute and deaf. So I won’t be able to hear the phone ring.
I only use my phone for its...
I sent this letter today to facilities management....
To: Facilities Management Subject: It’s Fucking cold.
Dear Facilities Management,
To you guys with the ladders and the work-gloves and the ‘I’ve got the keys to everything’ swagger:
It’s fucking cold up in this shit.
I am pretty sure the A/C has declared some sort of Eskimo jihad on me and the rest of my office cubicle.
It woke up this morning, took a hand full...
July 2011
4 posts
Take notes from the recording session of the guy...
Take 1: Stand Clear of the Closing Doors Please
Take 2: Stand Clear.Closing Doors. Thanks.
Take 3: Back that ass up.
Take 4: Stand clear of the fucking door.
Take 5: Are you deaf? or just stupid?
Take 6: Fucking Idiots. Get out of the way.
Take 7: Stand Clear. Closing Doors. Stupid Bitches.
Take 8: I hope your slow ass gets stuck.
Take 9: Stand clear of the closing doors or the homeless...
Train Theories
I am pretty sure that I sat next to a cocaine dealer on the train today. And not one if those menial middle men either. This guy was bonofied Colombian narcotics. He was wearing a sick brown suit, his hair was greased back, and his South American glow heated the air around him. I got a tan just by sitting by him. He was tall - really tall, and carried himself like he owned the train. At first, I...
Recently, my mind thinks in facebook posts. My brain types out little statuses throughout the day. Short headlines about how I feel, who I want to shank, and general crazy inclinations. Bio-mechanically generating bitchy sarcasm and provocative observations. And then all these little tumor-like posts are scanned. Carefully over-analyzed in between the fine lines of a pharmaceuticaly engineered...
A great make-out movie: A review of Battle L.A.
I am planning on investing 14 bucks in the career of Director Jon Favreau and watching Cowboys & Aliens this weekend. But I always like to tease my in-theater experience with a DVD marathon of movies thematically similar to the blockbuster that I’m about to watch. So I searched for a save-the-world cowboy explosion-filled yippe-ky-yay-muther-fucker alien attack type of movie at the local...
June 2011
2 posts
If you had asked me a few years ago, I would have...
May 2011
3 posts
Emails from 1969
I got this email today.
From before email was invented.
From before I was even born.
From New Years Eve, 1969.
For a moment, I thought I had found some sort of hole in the matrix – an email portal that allowed people to communicate with the past and future.
Who sent it? Why? Why me?
Were they going to warn me about something ahead?
Was I holding the first iTimeMachine?
I'm Still Here
I rented it on Netflix without really knowing what to expect. But what I discovered was an incredibly tragic story of a man struggling with what he wanted to do with his life. At the height of acting success, he just felt like he wasn’t doing what he needed to do. Hungry to leave some sort of mark on this earth, he began grasping at straws. His straw was Hip Hop. But it took a...
January 2011
12 posts
Would you sell your soul...to me?
It was a simple experiment. We found the least religious people we could find. And we asked them a simple question. Would they sell their soul.
We asked them to sign a contract that said that they would sell their soul to me for $5.
No one would do it.
We reminded them that this was not a legal document. In fact, it was written in pencil. And on the back of a piece of scrap paper. It would not...
Goldschläger would like to have a word.
Are you fucking kidding me??
I have fuckin gold in me. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation.
Gold!
And I taste like cinnamon.
Why the fuck aren’t you and I best friends?
Is it because I’m German? Well, I got news for you. I’m not German, bitches. I’m Swiss. So screw you.
Sure, I’m no good old boy like Johnny or Jim.
And I’m not as loco as...
Get this music in your head.
And nothing will...
The Idea of IDEA WRITERS
When I interviewed for my first job in advertising, the creative director said that I had an incredible talent for writing headlines. But it wasn’t a compliment.
What he was looking for was someone who could do more than write good copy.
I told him that my passion wasn’t in the headline. It was the conversation. And although I could write, I was more in love with generating the idea...
The only birthday card I got this year was from a...
Nevertheless, it was nice to get one. Even if they’re just trying to sell me something. Everyone likes birthday cards. And I just might go buy something from these people right now. Or at least not throw away their monthly catalogue right away.
Something as small and simple as remembering a birthday can mean a lot to a consumer. And although most people are not losers like I am and probably...
Everything I've Learned About Gnomes
Last year, I spent a month traveling with a garden gnome. Since this lawn ornament is no longer in my life, I feel it necessary to share a little about what I’ve learned about these dwarfish figurines.
1) They are not good wingmen. They, if anything, are a turn off to the opposite sex. They actually make you look bat-shit crazy.
2) They watch you when you sleep. If you place it facing you,...
One Ticket To Space, Please.
Go to Kayak.com and search “Flights”. Type in: From: 90N (that is actually an IATA airport code) To: 50M (which is for 50 miles, where the Thermosphere begins). Dates: any date as long as both depart and return are the same Class: First class only Hit: Search
OR READ BELOW
A lot of people have done this already. The above travel-site easter-egg allows you to pre-book one of the first...
Man freed after 20 years in jail. Immediately...
The Virginia man, imprisoned 20 years for shooting and killing a county deputy, had his conviction overturned on Tuesday after DNA evidence exonerated him.
Bill Sampson has served more years in a Virginia prison for a crime he did not commit than anyone else in the state who was later exonerated by DNA evidence.
In a press conference that followed his release, Sampson said: It’s like I told...
I'm Not a Playa, I Just Sofalize A Lot
Sofalize: A term created to describe the action of staying home and socializing with others electronically from your sofa.
Nowadays, you can date, gossip, stalk, and be bff’s, all from the comfort of your couch. More importantly, you can be the playboy you’ve always wanted to be: meeting, greeting, and treating, and never have to put on shoes.
It’s an interesting phenomenon....
A Love Note To An Over-Sharer
Dear X
I am addicted to your facebook posts. I thrive on your every update, and burn for your next profile picture. You over-share your entire existence, sustaining me like a mother wolf feeds her young. You quench my desire for inside jokes that I don’t get because I’m not there, and other geographic tidbits that I don’t understand because we don’t live near each...
We Are Pilots
In 1917, the life expectancy of new pilots was eleven days. All the airman knew this. But time after time, they got back into the cockpit, facing almost certain death.
Why?
In this poem, Yates says it wasn’t for duty, honor, glory or obligation. They did it for the love of flying. And they were willing to die for a chance to do what they loved.
They rather die young flying, than live to...
December 2010
11 posts
Confessions Instead Of Resolutions
Now hear me out.
What if instead of making resolutions for what we want to do in 2011, we confess to the things we did do in 2010.
We all have goals. We all want to better ourselves. The new year is a clean slate. And anything is possible.
But what about last year?
Can we really go into 2011 with a guilty conscience?
Let’s really make it a clean slate, and give up the secrets eating at...
Reach Out and Break Up with Someone
We’ve all been there. Broken-up with someone (or dumped by them) and not quite been able to handle the separation. So you tend to call or text when you shouldn’t, thinking maybe you can convince them to come back, or maybe just unable to cut yourself off.
Well, now there is a free App out there called the Ex-App. It prevents you from making out-going calls, texts, or emails to a...
Facebook Taglines
I was asked to come up with taglines for Facebook.
Here’s what I presented:
FACEBOOK. Your tool for procrastination.
FACEBOOK. Making Stalking Easier.
FACEBOOK. Someone out there might care.
FACEBOOK. The Box Wine of your Social Liquor Cabinet.
FACEBOOK. Get to know all the people Mr. T. pities.
FACEBOOK. Let’s be friends with people we don’t know.
FACEBOOK. Twitter for...
All I Want for Christmas is a mind control device.
It was a hard decision. I debated between asking for the power of invisibility and a mind control device. I’m picking the mind control device.
Where can you buy this mind control device? I don’t think you’ll be able to buy it. You’ll might have to steal it. Probably from the government. American. Or Japanese.
What does it look like? They say that it’s a small...
HOT SAUCE
The assignment: sell more hot sauce. And after concepting ad after ad, someone finally asked: Why not just make the opening to the bottle bigger. So more hot sauce would come out. So people would need to buy more, more often.
And that’s what the client did. Not ads. Just a new bottle.
It demonstrates that sometimes we need to take our creative hats off, and put our duuuu hats on. Ditch...
Practical phone applications for the morning after...
I wake up and check the time on my phone.
And then. And then I remember last night.
I go to see who I may have tipsy-texted without thinking. And, of course, I tipsy-texted a couple people. The debate is whether or not to send another text to apologize. But this only reinforces the idea that you are a lush. So I just delete their numbers and hope they have a good life.
I then review the...
Good Examples of Good Web Design
This is a pretty solid list. And although I’m not a designer, I know it’s good design when I wish I had designed it. Check it: http://tiny.cc/hrk7h
Thanks Nike Jones.
